Infinite desert : thoughts from a roadtrip in Namibia

Nowhere to be. There is no reason to go anywhere when everything is the same for hundreds of kilometres. Regardless of how fast or far you go, everything will be the same. Nothing changes. Same landscape, same air, same sun, same lost trees. So why would you continue going? The dessert gives you room to roam. It lets you go as fast as you want and as slow as you need, all in one trip. It gives your mind space to think and rethink, to obsess over all sorts of memories and moments. It lets you ask those difficult questions that you always avoided. It will make you laugh and cry and smile and be angry all in one trip where…you are going nowhere, and yet you are exploring so much. The repetitive sand shapes that take you to some dusty village in the middle of nowhere let you look more at the inside. The destination matters very little because it’s all the same, but the journey through the infinite loops you built your life around will make it amazing. You will speed up, hoping to fill the void faster; you will stop, thinking it will pass, and you will keep driving together with everything you carry on until you find your destination. It will likely be far away from the dunes. There is freedom to be with your heart wherever you want when there is nowhere to be.

Nothing to do. When everything is the same, there are so many things you can do. Sure, you will take photos,  write in your journal, and maybe drink a glass of wine right at sunset, but no one likes repetitive tasks. It will shortly fade away, and you will realise there is not much to do out there in the depths of the desert. So why would you go? The dessert lets you think about all those things you wish you tried and never had the time to pick up. You will blame yourself for postponing taking that design thinking training and feel bad for abandoning some of your hobbies. You will brainstorm new activities, and at some point, you will (I hope) find the courage to look more in-depth. You will remember your biggest dreams and analyse where you are when it comes to achieving them. You might be disappointed in yourself for not working harder on them, but more importantly, you will have enough time to have an honest conversation with yourself about all those things that make your heart skip a beat. Some dreams might have faded away, exactly like your enthusiasm to drive for hundreds of kilometres in the middle of nowhere, and some others might arise as you explore who you’ve become over the years. When there is nothing to do, there is time to decide what you would like to do next.

No one to share with. When two people walk together and look at the same thing, they often see it differently. Yet, they have to share opinions, learn from each other, and at the end of the day, provide support. A dessert lets you look with someone in the same direction for a long time, so you will likely end up knowing that person fairly well, but what if you drive all the way to the depth of it by yourself? There is no one to share your thoughts with, listen to your fears and say any kind words. It’s just you and everything your mind carries. You will be in front of everything you have avoided and no one will save you. No friend to distract you, no message to blink when you feel stretched, no music to noise out all you think about. Out there, between the sand dunes, you will likely feel vulnerable and unsafe. It is normal. You will be challenged to share mare to yourself, to talk honestly to you, to listen more to what you do not want to say. You will be invited to be true to yourself and that is not always pleasant. When there is no one to share with, you will have yourself and the sooner you start loving it, the sooner you will enjoy the infinite dessert.

A trip in the desert is more of a journey through the most hidden spots of your mind and heart. It is not for the superficial ones, the dessert holds depth and exactly that depth will change you forever. For the lucky ones, it will liberate you, so you will be light like a feather, ready to take over the ones. For a few of us, it will turn into heavy luggage, with many things to think about and even more to sort out. The dessert will let you find the answers you’ve been avoiding and will set deadlines for the actions you kept procrastinating. Do not go there if you are not ready to come back differently.  Do not get there if you are unprepared to embrace change, challenge and growth.

Maybe that’s why I am so enthusiastic. Unlike the first time I visited Namibia, and I was afraid of who I was once I returned to my day-to-day life, this visit finds me very much at peace with myself. Back then, I drove thousands of kilometres by myself. I had nowhere to be, nothing to do and no one to share with. Before I started, it wasn’t very comforting. I questioned if I could do it. Once I started, it was scary. I am not good at driving and no one encourages women in their early 20s to get lost in Africa. At times, it was lonely. I wish I had someone to share some of the sunsets from Etosha, Well, I had myself and it turned out it was enough. It was always freeing. I could finally think without worrying about anything or anyone but myself. It was deep throughout the whole journey. The nothingness that those roads hold turned into an emptiness I felt inside. I knew I had to change something long before, but the dessert made it obvious. The dunes from Namibia left me undressed in front of the fears, trauma and second thoughts I had. I drove through a country which I was discovering, but at the same time, I slowly walked through my whole life. I had time to think of my biggest dreams, values, and roots. I was very vulnerable. Along the way, I noticed when and why I let myself down and promised to return to what I thought life was.

I was never the same after driving through the infinite desert. Sure, my heart skips a beat this time. I have nowhere to be, nothing to do and no one to share with again, but I am ready to go back there, in the deepest corners of the desert, knowing I will come back different, happier, more peaceful.